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..Husband Program.. [12 Jul 2005|11:48am]

[ mood | amused ]

Dear Tech Support,

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!


Dear XXX,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

Follow-up mail from tech support:

Dear XXX,

Your Husband 1.0 has been infected with the Mistress 2.1 virus. Try
Divorce 3.5 to remove present headaches.

Tech support

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..Sometimes when I play that old six-string, I think about ya wonder what went wrong.. [12 Jul 2005|11:45am]

[ mood | amused ]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!

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..Laws of Combat.. [02 Jul 2005|11:50pm]

[ mood | calm ]

Murphy's laws of combat operations...Collapse )

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..He said, she said.. [02 Jul 2005|11:49pm]

[ mood | amused ]

Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end...

Read more..Collapse )

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..Reasons to be Single.. [02 Jul 2005|11:46pm]

[ mood | amused ]

Read more..Collapse )

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..Burning Calories.. [02 Jul 2005|11:45pm]

[ mood | amused ]

Burning calories at work..Collapse )

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..We're going to dance through the night , I want to reach for the stars.. [27 Jun 2005|10:19am]

[ mood | amused ]

Some funnies for your Monday. Since this is the pothole on the road of life. Well, for me its a day closer to my days off. But then again, thats me. LJ cut because some of these may not be work safe, or they are just damn long. Anyways, enjoy.

Ads Gone WrongCollapse )

Alcohol At WorkCollapse )

Attorney HuntingCollapse )

Hear About The...Collapse )

Job ApplicationCollapse )

World DominationCollapse )

Not A Hallmark..Collapse )

Now And ThenCollapse )

There you have it. :) Crossposted to my personal journal akomachi and to the LJ comm joke_of_the_day


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..Don't turn your back on me, I wont be ignored.. [23 Jun 2005|10:51pm]

[ mood | amused ]

Some funnies for your evening reading pleasure. =) LJ cut to spare friends pages since some of them might not be work safe, while others are just really fucking long.

Signs You're BrokeCollapse )

Inspirational PostersCollapse )

Cheap Medical PlanCollapse )

New CommandmentsCollapse )

Year Book SecretsCollapse )

Things To PonderCollapse )

I hope you all enjoyed em. :) Crossposted to my personal journal akomachi


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..Beer Versus Pussy.. [11 Jun 2005|05:47pm]

[ mood | amused ]

It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie

If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie

Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

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..Car Acronyms.. [11 Jun 2005|05:38pm]

[ mood | amused ]

Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America

All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Morons Car
Another Major Catastrophe

Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Automobile Under Demonic Influence
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Break My Windshield
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Barely Moving Wreck
Big Money Waste
Big Money. Why?
Big Money Works
Born Moderately Wealthy
Breaks Most Wrenches
Bring More Wrenches
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women
Broken Money Waster
Broke My Wallet
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck

Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques

Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dead Old Dog Going East
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment
Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive

Every Day Something Else Leaks

Failed Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It Again, Tony!
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

Frigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
First On Race Day
First On Recall Day
Fabricated Of Refried Dung
Fails On Rainy Days
Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
Fault Of R&D
Finally Obsolete Racing Device
Fireball On Rear Denting
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
Flipping Over Results in Death
Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
Follow Our Rusty Dogsled
Foot On Road Decelerates
Forced On Reluctant Drivers
Formed Of Rejected DNA
Forwarded Once; Return Denied
Forward Only; Reverse Defective
Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
Fork Over Repair Dough
Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
Free Or Reduced Drastically
Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Funny Old Rattling Dump
(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot

Good Engineering Overlooked

General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Garbage Motors
Generally Miserable
Grossly Misconceived
Gluteus Maximus

Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Generally Mediocre Cars
Get More Chicks
Gets Mechanics Crazy
Gods Mechanical Curse
Got More Crap
Great Mountain Climber
Great Motor Car

Gas, Tires, Oil

Had One Never Did Again
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles
HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

Just Eats Every Part
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
Just Empty Every Pocket

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

Money Guzzler

Might Go Backwards

Might Go Forward

My Intention: Always To Accelerate

Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Move Over People Are Racing
Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs

Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
old ladies driving slowly making other behind insanely late everyday

Put In Nickel To Operate
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood

Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid

This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

Virtually Worthless

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..Some humor for this rainy day.. [19 May 2005|01:50pm]

[ mood | amused ]

Well, its raining where I'm at :)

Crossposted to joke_of_the_day akomachi

Arkansas EtiquetteCollapse )

And just because Ep 3 opens today. I have to do this :)

Star Wars PantsCollapse )

And some of you guys on my friends list have kids soo.. Learn from ChildrenCollapse )

And thats all for now. Goddess bless and keep you.


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..Top 46 Things Stormtrooper Armor is *REALLY* For.. [06 May 2005|09:02am]

[ mood | amused ]

(from the readers of theforce.net)

1. Target practice for Darth Vader
by Angel 17

2. The only useful application I've ever seen is the 501st...
by doggans

3. The lone stormtrooper is easy prey. But when thousands are assembled, the sea of white armor acts as a defense mechanism, much like a zebra's stripes...
by Peter Tutham

4. gettin chicks
by ory

5. to hide Jango's hidden birth defect... the door marks on his head
by darth_vaderess

6. Ever seen a stormtrooper naked?
by ThePodSquad

7. Darth Vader can't choke the stupid one when he can't tell anyone apart. That's why he always chokes the officers.

8. Tip the helmet upside down, fill it with water, and you got yourself a teapot.
by Skaiwalkuh

9. Stormtrooper armor can be converted into a convenient, take-anywhere oven in just minutes, folks! And that's not all it can do!
by Tycho Celchuuu

10. It's made to make the troopers confident enough to go into battle, and since none of them ever come back alive, no one's leaked the secret.
by Max_Jaybo

11. Isn't it obvious? It's to make them a more presentable target! DUH!
by Fwiffo

12. Ewok Trophies.
by Fwiffo

13. Disguising yourself and your friends while you beat up a gaggle of Star Trek nerds.
by tiene leche

14. Reflecting sunlight into opponent's eyes
by rancor_fury

15. Mullet concealer.
by Rin, Destroyer of Keyboards

16. It keeps them from splitting their heads on low doors.
by Rin, Destroyer of Keyboards

17. According to Wizards of the Coast, it gives a damage reduction of 7 and an armor check penalty of -7.
by Rin, Destroyer of Keyboards

18. Building thigh tone.
by Keith

19. to hold the body together after it gets shot a couple hundred times (there is less of a mess that way)
by Jaster

20. Ewok music instruments
by fiskehandler

21. So troopers can lie to their wives. "No, baby, that wasn't me, I swear! It just looked like me."
by Mab

22. TK-421: Wait ...this is armor ?!
by BrenDarklighter

23. Isn't it obvious? Selling halloween costumes.
by Munki

24. Japanese fashion shows
by Rurouni Jedi

25. Cupholders on Star Destroyer bridges
by Darth Cheered

26. Limiting the overall dexterity of their wearer.
by Peregrin Toker

27. If you got beat by Ewoks, would you want your face seen?
by Padawan Drew

28. Isn't it obvious? so the troops can die in some style.
by HyperX

29. For those times when you just can't reach a bathroom
by Jedi Master Joe

30. Ladies like a man in uniform...
by Blah :)

31. Blaster Attraction
by Jerad

32. To make sure the fridge and bath-tub don't get jealous
by Nack the Weasel

33. Keeping drinks nice and cold in hot weather
by Nack the Weasel

34. Hiding your wallet from those greedy jawas
by Nack the Weasel

35. a surface on which to play tic-tac-toe while waiting for Lord Vader to finish choking the commanding general so we can get on with this stupid invasion already

36. To stand out in a forest so it will be easier to shoot you!
by GTExcalibur

37. Recycling
by Mungo

38. Low door protection.
by khellhound

39. You can fry an egg on it once the Rebels are done shooting
by Cardo

40. Making money on e-Bay
by allthatsleft

41. When the Emperor wants to go bowling, round up ten stormtroopers and...well, you get the idea...
by Captain EO

42. Vader can't see all the faces you're making at him.
by ChrisZ

43. free lunchboxes for rancors
by ISB Agent1

44. Um, sci-fi conventions. Yeah, it's probably useful for that.
by Long-Gon Jinn

45. Not comfort, that's for sure.
by Dracos

46. Container for McDonalds Big Breakfast.
by Boba


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..We're going to dance through the night , I want to reach for the stars.. [26 Apr 2005|05:40am]

[ mood | amused ]

Star Wars Pants

Just in case you think you've heard it all... We got our hands on a little known about revision of the original Star Wars movie script that substitutes the word "pants" into many of the lines...

DARTH VADER: I find your lack of pants disturbing.

DARTH VADER: General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

LUKE: I used to bullseye wamprats in my pants back home...

LUKE AND HAN: Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

DARTH VADER: You are unwise to lower your pants.

HAN: You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.

HAN: Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

LANDO: That blast came from the pants! That thing's operational!

LEIA: I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

DARTH VADER: A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.

HAN: Hey, don't worry. Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

HAN: Maybe you'd like it better back in your pants, your highness.

GREEDO: Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser.

HAN: Short pants is better than no pants at all.

YODA: Pants not make one great.

LUKE: I sense the conflict within you, let go of your pants!

YODA: Pants you I can, yes, mmmmhhhhmmmm....

HAN: That's because droids don't pull people's arms out of their pants when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.

HAN AND LEIA: I love pants. I know.

HAN: watch it kid or you're gonna find your pants floating home.

HAN: I thought pants smelled bad on the outside.

YODA: Your pants, you will not need them.

WUHER: Your pants. They'll have to wait outside, we don't want them here.

STORMTROOPER, LUKE AND OBI-WAN: How long have you had these pants? About three or four seasons. They're up for sale if you want them.

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..We're going to dance through the night , I want to reach for the stars.. [26 Apr 2005|05:39am]

[ mood | amused ]

Star Wars Sex

Sexually suggestive lines from the Star Wars trilogy...

'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod...'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'

'Control, control! You must learn control!'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

'She's gonna blow!'

'I think you'll fit in nicely.'

'Rise, my friend.'

'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'

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..We're going to dance through the night , I want to reach for the stars.. [25 Apr 2005|10:16am]

[ mood | amused ]

Have you heard they're using lawyers instead of rats in laboratories these days? There are three reasons for this:
1. Lawyers reproduce faster.
2. The scientists don't get attached to the lawyers.
3. A lawyer will do things a rat wouldn't even consider.

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..Call me a joker, call me a fool. Right at this moment I'm totally cool.. [25 Apr 2005|10:13am]

[ mood | amused ]

Supermodel wisdom

"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford

"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory

"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson

"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley

"I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz

"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'

"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova

"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -- Kim Alexis

"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall

"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks

"Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it."
-- Cindy Crawford

"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks

"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece

"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley

"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-- Beverly Johnson

"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs

"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself -- it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington

"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby."
-- Fabio

"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz

"I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
-- Claudia Schiffer

"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles -- but I had on thick tights underneath."
-- Naomi Campbell

"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers."
-- Carol Alt

"We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people."
-- Christie Brinkley

"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them."
-- Cindy Crawford

"I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-- Linda Evangelista

"When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work.
-- Paulina Porizkova

"I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington

"I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."
-- Tyra Banks

"You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight."
-- Christy Turlington

"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-- Linda Evangelista

"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would."
-- Kate Moss

"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-- Linda Evangelista

"When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss."
-- Veronica Webb

"Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
-- Tasha

"I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."
-- Cameron Diaz

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