Crossposted to joke_of_the_day akomachi
Some Arkansas etiquette tips... My apologies to friends from Texas, North Carolina, West Virginia, and other parts of the country who may feel left out.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 1000 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
And just because Ep 3 opens today. I have to do this :)
Just in case you think you've heard it all... We got our hands on a little known about revision of the original Star Wars movie script that substitutes the word "pants" into many of the lines...
DARTH VADER: I find your lack of pants disturbing.
DARTH VADER: General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
LUKE: I used to bullseye wamprats in my pants back home...
LUKE AND HAN: Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
DARTH VADER: You are unwise to lower your pants.
HAN: You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.
HAN: Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
LANDO: That blast came from the pants! That thing's operational!
LEIA: I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
DARTH VADER: A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.
HAN: Hey, don't worry. Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
HAN: Maybe you'd like it better back in your pants, your highness.
GREEDO: Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser.
HAN: Short pants is better than no pants at all.
YODA: Pants not make one great.
LUKE: I sense the conflict within you, let go of your pants!
YODA: Pants you I can, yes, mmmmhhhhmmmm....
HAN: That's because droids don't pull people's arms out of their pants when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.
HAN AND LEIA: I love pants. I know.
HAN: watch it kid or you're gonna find your pants floating home.
HAN: I thought pants smelled bad on the outside.
YODA: Your pants, you will not need them.
WUHER: Your pants. They'll have to wait outside, we don't want them here.
STORMTROOPER, LUKE AND OBI-WAN: How long have you had these pants? About three or four seasons. They're up for sale if you want them.
And some of you guys on my friends list have kids soo..
Some things I've learned from my children over the years...
1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape.
5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoe it does not leak-it explodes.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
18. Duplos will not.
19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
20. Super glue is forever.
21. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
22. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
23. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
24. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
25. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
26. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.27. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
28. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
29. The fire department in Austin has at least a 5 minute response time.
30. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
31. It will however make cats dizzy.
32. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
33. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
34. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
And thats all for now. Goddess bless and keep you.