Sachiko Nogitsune (akomachi) wrote in joke_of_the_day,
Sachiko Nogitsune

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..Don't turn your back on me, I wont be ignored..

Some funnies for your evening reading pleasure. =) LJ cut to spare friends pages since some of them might not be work safe, while others are just really fucking long.

You know you're really broke when...

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struther's sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

At communion you go back for seconds.

You wash your toilet paper.

You have to save up to be poor.

You're in college.

On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

You owe yourself money.

You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

Your imaginary friend has more money than you.

Sayings you'd like to see on those office inspirational posters...

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

It's only unethical if you get caught.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile, it makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work - it isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

You know you've joined a pretty cheap ass health plan when...

Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."

Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."

You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

Exam room has a tip jar.

You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."

Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.

Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.

Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."

To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

Recycled bandages

You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.

Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

It's about time someone updated those commandments, so here are some suggestions...

Thou shall not stick anything larger than thine own elbow in thine ear

Thou shall not eat anything larger than thine own head

Thou shall not kill… unless thou has a good reason to do it

Thou shall watch porn movies

Thou shall have an ego smaller than that of Prince Charles

Thou shall not impersonate God, unless thou is stoned off thy ass

Thou shall not piss in the holy water

Thou shall not piss in the pool water

Thou shall not sign a contract of more than seven thousand pages

Thou shall not write a contract larger than seven thousand pages

Thou shall not fantasize about Bob the Builder

Thou shall not lick thine own asshole

Thou shall not be Communist

Thou shall not masturbate into the Fountain of Youth

Thou shall not start the fourth Reich

Thou shall not set homework

Thou shall have a surname shorter than forty-six letters

Thou shall always believe in what thy say, unless thou is wrong

Thou shall not make love to a lamp-post

Thou shall not eat a Nintendo

Thou shall not eat a Playstation (Sega’s don’t matter)

Thou shall not be flexible enough to go through thine own legs twice, backwards, without breaking thy spine

Thou shall listen to an entire sentence before making some disgusting comment about it

Thou shall not desecrate thine own genitalia

Thou shall not be unco

Thou shall not like any show on Comedy Central, other than South Park and Dr. Katz

Thou shall commit adultery

Thou shall hate all songs by Hanson (except maybe This Time Around)

Thou shall not create a song lasting longer than twenty-four minutes

Thou shall not bore shitless

Thou shall only install light switches smaller than the wall they are on

Thou shall consume alcohol only on special occasions, but these rules are very flexible, as Nuntas is included on the list, the celebration of the passing from morning to afternoon. (i.e. you can just make them up)

Thou shall not do the Hampsterdance

Thou shall not spell hamster incorrectly, with a P

Thou shall not enter a freestyle rapping competition

Thou shall succumb to advertising

Thou shall not try to ‘show the bank’ by not paying your bill

Thou shall break out of prison, unless thou is not in jail, in which case thou shall commit a felony, then break out of prison [Please do not take this literally]

Thou shall not be a Video Jockey (VJ)

Thou shall not market Windows XP

Thou shall not be part of a pop group

Thou shall pirate all forms of media possible

Thou shall not play Ookeymouth (This game consists of having someone spit in your mouth and trying to say “ookeymouth” at the same time)

Thou shall not use Mad magazine as a basis for real life

Thou shall not make a pocket television that fits in a change pocket

Thou shall not stand in the street and scream “You are the weakest link. Goodbye!” in any language

Thou shall destroy anything to do with any sort of “mon”. Pokemon, Digimon… it’s all got to go.

Thou shall not chuck a psycho

Thow shall use good spelling

A list of what the college year books don't tell you...

Quarters are like gold.

Be creative in the dining hall.

Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.

You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.

Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.

New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos

Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.

Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)

Showers become less important.

Sleep becomes more important.

Two meals a day are standard. One for some!

Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until

Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").

You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).

10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.

Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.

It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, alcohol...

If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.

You begin to nap again.

Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.

Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?

Labs used to be fun.

T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.

Squirt guns=stress relief.

E-mail becomes your second language.

Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.

You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.

See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.

Roadtrip whenever possible.

Pick up all new lingo.

Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.

Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.

Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew.

It never sucked so much to get sick.

Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.

You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an's not!

You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.

Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.

Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.

Any game can be made into a drinking game.

Disney movies are more than just classics.

Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.

You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.

Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.

Cereal makes a meal any time of day.

Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.

ATMs are the devil's advocate.

Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

You almost forget how to drive.

You'll drink anything if it's free..

People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.

You get really good with excuses for skipping class.

The girl/guy you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.

Ordering food at 1am is a common occurrence.

You never realized how cool you can be.

TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.

You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.

Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.

You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.

You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.

You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls or guys, activities, work, parties...

You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).

Procrastination becomes an art.

Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).

The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.

Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.

Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.

Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.

You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.

Classes: the later the better.

The cute girls actually talk to you now.

Care packages make it all worthwhile.

The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.

Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.

You just don't learn last names.

Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.

That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.

Card games never lasted for hours before.

Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

Boys will dance in college.

People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

You are NEVER alone.

You find out what beer sludge is.

It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.

You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria

Lucky Charms are the real thing.

People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.

You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.

All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.

You never realized how quiet your house was.

Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.

Printers only break down when you desperately need them.

You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.

Your life will never be the same again.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

I hope you all enjoyed em. :) Crossposted to my personal journal akomachi

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